abortions for none

things consumed recently
The Grifters: I don’t get it. Was that the grift? Convince Annette Bening to follow you to Phoenix and try and kill you and then passing her body for yours and then coming to John Cusack’s house and stealing his money and then when he shows up, giving him a nice glass of ice water which you then smash into his face with a suitcase which causes him to die dramatically on top of the money, which you only steal like half of, even though that was what the whole motivation was. i guess it would have been a pain in the ass to roll over dead Cusack to get the money from underneath him. That was the scam? Or is supposed to be this big desparate conclusion that illustrates what the lack of steady honest employment does to the female psyche? Either way I don’t give a shit. I wasn’t a big fan of this movie. it was stylish, i guess, and the acting was great but it also had awful awful music and nothing much else going on to recommend it.

Permanent Midnight: I don’t know. I didn’t finish this movie because it’s sort of weird and made me feel uncomfortable. but i give everyone involved a A-minus for trying hard. “If i was percodan, where would i be?”

Sour cream and onion Tato Skins: DO NOT EAT THESE. THEY ARE POISON. I’m serious. i cant get the goddamn smell off my hands and I HAD TWO OF THEM. two chips and my entire life of not smelling like sour cream and onion is OVER.

Hellboy: I know I already said yeah whatever but, I have some extended thoughts on Hellboy. The principal thematic thrust of my inquiry into Hellboy is “I don’t get it” or, in simpler terms “what?”. What I thought the dealy was, going into Hellboy, was that i got some sort of crossbreeding of the sardonic mutant genre with side orders of absurdist humor and some of the perquisites of big budget dining, namely explosions and shit. i will allow that the movie was lovingly rendered and there is obviously some charm to the hellboy thing. but i dont get why instead of playing around with or subverting the tropes of actions movies, the movie is just a string of cliches. also, someone needs to explain to me how rasputin lives forever and whether or not the secret to living forever is just sleeping naked in a big puddle of ketchup.

anybody want to go splitsies

I was saying Boo-urns

Hellboy: Yeah whatever. More cats less things that look exactly like the predator.

So, like any other person who uses yahoo e-mail, i can’t avoid the headlines on yahoo’s front page, which are always right below the link to my inbox. i think my worldview is slowly being broken by their total and stunning inability to write headlines.

Baghdad and parts of central Iraq chaotic
Because of the war? Or because of daylight savings or something?
Anger grows on Iraqi Governing Council
Because of the chaos?
9/11 panel member faults Clinton inaction
This resembles a real headline
NATO chief tries to ease Putin’s fears
It’s not gay if we don’t do it in a gay way
Study: S.F. area has most Wi-Fi hot spots
Or: Scientists: Thing with most things has most things
Quentin Tarantino planning third ‘Kill Bill’
This is obviously bad news. And this is the seventh most important thign in the world?

More on my boredom on this Good Friday later.

hug you to death

I have an announcement: I spent $21 on new* shirts today. when i get my act together after work, i will post an extended monologue about these new shirts and how hot they are, and, if everyone behaves, i will indulge in a scientific rob neyer-styley breakdown of which one of these new shirts is most likely to result in me getting laid like i was kaz matsui.

in other news:
CB4 is misunderstood/underrated/rated about right but still really funny in spots
I’m running out of CD-Rs
Jersey Girl: more and more, Kevin smith is making me feel dumb for being an apologist for his earlier films. is it possible that jason lee’s character in mallrats and all of chasing amy are just the directorial equivalent of 2003 Esteban Loaiza?

also, anybody looking to commemorate the exact anniversary of umpire attack 2003 is welcome to join me at comiskey at 1:05 pm on april 15 for baseball. vegas odds on someone rushing the field at this game: 4:3.

preview of shirtfest 2K4:
shirt one is dark red with some kind of plaid thing going on. this shirt has short sleeves. this shirt is lockdown personified and then turned into a shirt.
shirt two is paisley, and longsleeved, and made of some sort of stuff fabric.
shirt three is brownish-yellow-tan and has dominant low-post repetoire.
shirt four i am not as proud of and may actually be terrible but only cost $2.

* new to me. propers to family thrift on n. milwaukee. i know some people in the audience have issued ex cathedra screeds against buying clothing from thrift stores. well, i bought these from a thrift store because i’m poor, not because i want to look poor. i want to look like a professional. a hot professional.

let’s see how he reacts, again

basically, all i did for about the last two hours was dig around on imdb

so apparently, there is going to be a movie of Around the World in 80 days starring Jackie Chan and the guy from 24 hour party people in the leads with Owen and luke wilson and the governor of California in supporting roles. that’s obviously a good idea.

also, mike judge is writing and directing a movie about the pentagan sending an average guy 1000 years into the future, and that guy will be played by Luke wilson. not clear how good of an idea this is.

john turturro has written and directed a musical that has james gandolfini, mandy moore, susan sarandon and christopher walken in it. and also 3098432 members of the turturro family.

oliver stone is making Alexander, starring Colin farrell as alexander the great. i say bad idea.

they’re making a movie of the Black Dahlia starring Josh Hartnett, Marky mark, and scarlett johansson. and brian depalma is directing it. i have the fear.

steve martin is going to play inspector clouseau in a new pink panther movie

in the upcoming “Uncle P”: Rapper/multi-millionaire P. Miller becomes the guardian of his sister’s three children – all of whom need a father figure in their lives.

Some movie edward norton is going to be in has the following plot summary: “A disaffected young woman enters into a relationship with a mentally ill older man who thinks he’s a cowboy. ” not clear on who plays the older man.

There is a seventh Culkin brother, rory. i was not aware of the 4 who interceded kieran/macaulay and rory. rory has already been in five movies.

heath ledger and matt damon are going to play the Brothers grimm in some sort of action-adventure where presumably everyone does not live happily ever after

Spike lee is making a movie called “She Hate Me” (XFL reference?) with the following plot summary: “Fired from his job for exposing corrupt business practices, a former biotech executive turns to impregnating wealthy lesbians for profit.” Holy shit that is going to be good.

other people involved in 25th hour are not doing as well: Barry Pepper is going to appear as Dale Earnhardt in a tv movie called 3: the Dale Earnhardt Story.

since making movies about old-timey heroes is apparently the new thing to do (cf. The Passion), Vin Diesel will be playing hannibal at some point in the near future.

Even though i dont approve of Bill Murray’s decision to be the voice of Garfield in the upcoming and terrible Garfield movie, there is something mystically appropriate about casting Breckin Meyer as Jon Arbuckle.

4 of the last 6 movies kate beckinsale has been/will be in involved vampires and the post-apocalypse. she should get a new agent or just stop being so dumb

adam sandler is going to play burt reynolds’ character in a remake of the longest yard. this cannot be good. even though Chris Rock will be playing caretaker. Chris rock will also be the voice of “the zebra” in the upcoming Madagascar.

some italian people are apparently remaking groundhog day. i dont understand how they plan to deal with the whole thing about it being in pennsylvania.

Ben affleck is apparently going to play the coach in a drama abotu the 1966 UTEP basketball team, who broke down racial barriers. OK.

this stands alone:
“Plot Summary for
Playmakers of New Orleans (2003)
Set in the high-profile world of professional football, the action centers on gifted athlete TK Marsalis (Kodjoe) whose dominance on the field appears to be his ticket out of the innercity. But his world takes an unexpected turn in a single night, and Marsalis is forced to leave his first two loves, his girlfriend Jada (Saldana) and a promising future, behind. Several years later, a man named Lazurus Jordan becomes a member of the practice squad for a professional football team. Buoyed by the hardcore tactics of his coach Karl Lundell (Alec Baldwin), Jordan emerges as an unlikely star to challenge the team’s hot shot Omar Odell (Terrell Owens). As his recognition and popularity grows, Jordan is forced to face the mistakes of his past as Marsalis in order to claim his future.”
Also, Jim Brown is in both this movie and She Hate Me. YEsss.

I could do this shit for hours. Hours!

Man on film

Lessons learned from Cold Mountain I to Rocky III
1. All music in olden times was boring and stupid
2. the manager from Major League used a time machine to escape to cold mountain only to be murdered for unclear reasons, possibly because he was keeping angry hobbits in his barn.
3. The wicked are punished by irregular bowel movements, followed by death for repeat offenders
4. everyone in the world dies violently except for women, who are tortured and then released on the condition that they keep their voices down.
5. every bullet hits someone, except for ones fired specifically in celebration
6. Do not leave donald sutherland in the rain. he will die, or at least no longer appear in the movie.
7. You can turn your back on a person but never turn your back on giovanni ribisi. he is not above staging the death of a cow to lure your to your doom.
8. The confederates didn’t hate black people, they just wanted their eggs at a reasonable price. Southerners were a complicated people and employed the services of at least one Native American. they also dressed like colorful hobos. and their women all believed in free love. but some small number of them were evil. these were usually albinos or fat people.
9. Conversely, the northerners referred to themselves as yankees and blew shit up, and also occasionally attempted to murder babies by leaving them exposed to the elements. the one northern guy who did not like to leave babies naked outside was not well liked.
10. you will be my ain true love? Ain? this is north carolina, not ireland.

i actually enjoyed this movie. but as part of my lent, i am going to attempt to list the entire plot of every movie i see on this webpage. the only other movie i have seen in the last two days is Barcelona, which i enjoyed despite certain clearly false allegations that whit stillman enjoys deeply unconventional pornography. actually, i’m not actually giving away the plot of every movie i see for lent. more on this later, or never.

things about 70s rockers learned from Fundrace.org

1. The Eagles, being drug-using scums, are pro-democrat.
Don Henley (Kerry, $1G x2)
Glenn Frey (Dean $2G, Edwards $2G)
Joe Walsh: too stoned to give a shit

2. Steely Dan does not care that much.
Donald Fagen and Walter Becker did not contribute. However, RONALD FAGEN of Granite Falls, MN, loves Bush. Former Steely dan member Chevy Chase (Gephardt $2G, Clark $2G) backed two losers.

3. None of the members of Rush donated, probably because they are Canadian or because Alex Lifeson is not actually named that. No one named Geddy contributed anything, actually.

4. Sammy Hagar and his wife are republicans.

5. Graham Nash: $1,000 to dean. And he’s not even American!

6. The Doobie Brothers: Pink as raw chicken, with a side of “dont give a shit”
Michael McDonald: possibly $1G to Kucinich. YESS.
Chet McCracken: Nothing
Cornelius Bumpus: Died this february, sadly
Tom Johnston: Nothing
Patrick R. Simmons: $1G to Kucinich.
Michael Hossack: Nothing
Keith Knudsen: Nothing
John McFee: Nothing
Tiran Porter: Nothing
John Hartman: Nothing

OK, this project has clearly meet and exceeded its stated goal of providing an opportunity to not do any work at all for the past 15 minutes.

guest cat

so there’s a cat hanging out outside the back door of our apartment. he seems nice. i gave him some food and water and let him hang out inside for a minute but wiry cat has strenuously voiced her disapproval of his presence so i think i might have to give him his outright release. if anybody wants a free, skinny, somewhat dirty male cat with factory stereo, proceed to the laundry-hacienda area of 2237 n kedzie. this is a pain in the ass. all i was trying to do was watch indiana jones in peace. update: john doe the cat wandered off.

also, i filled out a bracket. ICC regulations prevent me from bragging about how awesome my theoretical sweet sixteen is until everybody else is done. but i can say this: actually, i can’t say that. never mind. i will brag about this later.


Some sample questions from an ethics test taken recently by someone trying to get a part-time job:

53. How jealous of others are you?
59. How often do you feel guilty?
74. Have you ever felt like swearing?
87. How many people do you like?
93. How many judges can be bribed?
94. How often are you wrong about things?
105. Do you ever think of doing things which are, strictly speaking, dishonest?
127. How acceptable would a person be if he or she currently uses alcohol?
128. How acceptable would a person be if he or she uses uppers?
129. How acceptable would a person be if he or she uses cocaine?
130. How acceptable would a person be if he or she uses marijuana?
131. How acceptable would a person be if he or she shares marijuana?

There were 132 of these questions. These are highlights, but the rest of them were almost as good. unfortunately, the answer were multiple choice. had they been fill-in, i could have had a lot more fun.


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