domino’s keeps putting these things on doorknobs in the logan square area and i don’t understand them. the first one, there was a guitar, depicted in such a way as to appear to be flying or hovering over a philly cheesesteak pizza with the caption (i n a sort of 57 chevy font) “STILL JAMMIN’”. i still don’t understand who they were trying to target with that, or if they were trying to insinuate that fans of old-timey rock music should consider the philly cheesesteak pizza an American classic on par with malts and bobby socks or whatever.
but now, there’s a new knob thing from domino’s and i understand it even less: there is a cartoon drawing of a leopard who appears to be wearing a boxer’s ring robe, and he has his paw to his chin and his head is cocked in contemplation, and there are small thought bubbles leading out of his head to a larger thought bubble, which is not a thought bubble but a baseball? WHY IS IT A BASEBALL? and inside the baseball it says the following things: “Ketto x Kedd Iki x Sali Dois x Terca-Feira Twee x Dinsdag x Dwa x Wtorek” and many other less popular foreign expressions that translate to “TWOFER TUESDAY” which it says in garish arty font at the bottom. BUT WHY IS THERE A BASEBALL AND A CONTEMPLATIVE LEOPARD DRESSED LIKE A BOXER?
that’s all. i’m going to radio silence until i solve this fucking mystery. also, i went out for a while and there was a guy with his dog in the park and the dog was named asshole. as far as i could tell anyway. someone give me something to do for the intervening three hours before i go see the white sox.
celebrities spotted 2004:
Rex Grossman
Brett Tomko’s car
“Torry Holt”
Gerard Warren
**** NEW *****
former cabinet member Robert Reich
Love and Genes Can Beat Poverty -Study
Wed May 26, 6:15 AM ET
LONDON (Reuters) – Love and genes can overcome even the most abject poverty, according to a study into the effects of environmental factors on child development.
now, i don’t have time to properly parse that shit. maybe later. as for right now, i am getting over the fact that i spent about 7 hours watching the west wing over the past two days. i realize i am late to the “west wing is good” party but i have some comments that i think i can add some depth to the discussion. keep in mind that i don’t want you to ruin the rest of the first season for me but also keep in mind that i know josh gets shot but doesn’t die.
1. how come no one talks about how leo’s daughter? she is foyne.
2. it is not possible that josh and donna could sweat each other so much and still work together. or maybe donna does most of the sweating. i dont know. i don’t know.
3. toby is too much of a weenis to live sometimes or always.
4. also, doesn’t rob lowe work for toby and josh works for leo but then they seem to not have bosses or something. and the whole shit with mandy is garbage and she is insufferable. i cannot wait until she dies or disappears or whatever.
5. also, the first lady is kind of sleazy?
6. what happened to the hurricane that was eating the entire navy? they get you all ready for it and even do a cliffhanger and then nothing.
moving on, sadly, recent and beloved addition to the pete beatty family of shirts Browny Yellow shirt was diagnosed with the shirt version of diptheria or something. the fabrics started to sort of come undone in this part down by the belly and i tried to cut the loose ends with scissors and now, predictably, there is a scissor-shaped hole in the front. goddamn it.
beloved shirts we have lost this past year:
1. blue-ro: carmexxed to death in washing machine
2. the plaid sort of cowboy-looking one from high school: permanently stained from that one time i slept in a bathtub
3. Browny Yellow
4. also, althought it was not a shirt, i did have a pair of khakis that were also killed during the carmex shirt massacre of autumn 2K3.
what people come to this site looking for:
18 May, Tue, 16:25:36 MSN Search: bangladeshi sex movie
24 May, Mon, 13:22:29 Google: women wint to fuck
24 May, Mon, 13:23:06 Google: pete beatty
well, count 1, my attorney advises me to not discuss. and 2, well, i find it awesome that someone who types with the swedish chefs accent was looking for porn and found this. 3, whatever.
also, this is the #7 german-langauge search result for Wally Sczcerbiak.
tonight i came extremely close to freaking out and hiding under the desk at my cubicle-habitrail thingy at work. updates on this as it develops– i predict at least one fullfledged meltdown before june 12.
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ok, i saw troy. it was awful, but it seemed like everyone involved was appropriately sorry for it. except for orlando bloom? also, interestingly enough, it seems like the screenplay-writing process went something like this:
1. give the guy who wrote 25th hour a fucked-up VHS copy of Gladiator (the russell crowe one, not the cuba gooding jr one).
2. get him good and stoned
3. show him the movie but call his cellphone repeatedly during boring parts.
4. make him write down what he remembers afterward
5. dub every fourth line with “may the gods (verb) to (pronoun)”
the following information i feel compelled to share with you all. sorry for making you read so much but you will realize as i did that every fact in here is essential to preventing your human children from being eaten by cicadas:
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE - MAY 24, 2004
FROM: Cicadaville.com, Protecting America from the deadly Cicadas.
MEDIA CONTACT: Meg...@cicadaville.com
The deadly and vicious Cicadas hve invaded the United States and we are pleased to announce America's most comprehensive information source about Cicadas, Cicadaville.com.
Cicadas are deadly and vicious killers armed with lethal venom and flesh-eating bacteria. Their primary nutrition source is human children. Our mission at Cicadaville.com is to reveal the deadly truth about Cicadas so you can protect yourself and your family from these vicious predators. Most of the information about cicadas provided by the government and the media is false. Our award-winning team of senior research professionals at Cicadaville.com has spent almost 50 years assembling the greatest body of cicada research on earth. Rest assured we have uncovered all of the truths about these vicious killers.
So take the first step toward saving America by checking out our website.
Thank you.
Website Data: Cicadaville.com was released on May 5, 2004. Cicadaville.com currently has a link on almost 300 websites and receives approximately 500,000 unique visitors daily.
it took about five minutes before i realized they were kidding. i still don’t understand the need to make such a complicated, long joke about cicadas.
also, getting back to troy, it’s sort of nice or at least not not nice to see the shark doctor lady from Deep Blue Sea make a semi-triumphant semi-comeback as hector’s extremely gangly wife. for some reason, possibly because i liked the Hulk and i like australians (to a point), i was rooting for the hulk (hector) and didn’t remember from the iliad that he doesn’t kill achilles, achilles kills him and then his brother kills achilles, not the other way around (achilles kills his brother and then he kills achilles) so i was saddened somewhat when he ate it.
a. butch davis: worst guy ever
b. hot robot german woman
found sounds from friday, may 21, 2003
1. thug-looking mcdonald’s employee standing outside McDonald’s at western and milwaukee:
“So, are you like a full-blooded white person or (indistinct)?”
2. beard-having indie rock man talking to casher at costa rican restaurant:
“How big are your milkshakes?”
“24 ounces”
“how much is 24 ounces?”
“(sighs, points to cup)”
3. two food service professionals debating impending Western Conference Finals on Blue Line:
“Who’s gonna put the lock on my man Devean George?”
“You forgot Wally Sczcerbiak. Wally gonna kill. Wally will kill you.”
(admittedly, they had already argued the comparative merits of kobe, shaq, kg and sam cassell, but still, come on)
i ate a vegetarian burrito today and i also threw garbage at a pigeon because it was getting in my face about the burrito i was trying to enjoy. the burrito was so fucking good i almost passed out.
ridiculous names of towns in downstate illinois that i was recently made aware of, letters A through J edition:
Dongola
Boys Nickname: Demons
Girls Nickname: Lady Demons
Effingham
bonus pts for effingham:
Boys Nickname: Flaming Hearts
Girls Nickname: Flaming Hearts
Golconda (Pope County)
more bonus points:
Conference: Greater Egyptian
Boys Nickname: Pirates
Girls Nickname: Lady Pirates
illiopolis
Joppa. this school appears to be at least partially named after a ween song. and their school district is an angelfire page which is the single most ghetto thing you will ever see.
first, i have a business proposal, by which i mean, not a business proposal but a rare opportunity to acquire a limited edition chicago maroon “terrorists win!” t-shirt, for obvious reasons. i;ll post a picture of the “terrorists win” fake maroon when i get home but for now, i offer you a ground-floor opportunity for the cost of 1 white t-shirt (which could be as little as $.99) and 1 iron on-transfer rounded up to the nearest dollar (i’m not running a charity here assholes). express your interest using the comments function. if you know what the terrorists win fake maroon is, you probably want a shirt, right. also, speaking fo the proud chicago maroon tradition, everybudy peep on the links for margarets webpage.
instructions:
don’t nap while watching blue velvet.
i had another dream about the seattle mariners on monday night, wherein the red sox were about to beat the mariners in the ALCS and david ortiz was batting in the 9th inning but then al michaels/seymour hersh disclosed some kind of abu ghraib-ish information regarding the red sox which caused the entire country to turn against them, which i somehow knew even though the game was still going on. so then ortiz got a hit and the red sox won and everyone in boston was excited. also complicating things was that the mariners were all guys who looked like john olerud and one (1) ichiro who may have been playing out of position.
in other news, i have discovered that the secret to managing laundry is to do small loads often instead of very large loads infrequently.
i have also discovered that “wolfman jack” by todd rundgren is the best fucking song ever recorded.
notes:
the other day i saw a guy busking dressed in a kilt. because he was playing a bagpipe. i gave him a dollar because that was all the money i had.
the room in the basement of the art institute that’s just a bunch of tiny rooms inside the wall of the larger room: so, this is just pieces of fancy dollhouses?
salonica: i cannot rememebr why i gave you so much of my life. you are a weird dump.
olives: the new grapes.
i look like i fell down a well at some point today. thankfully, i didn’t. i think i got too much sun or something. there will be more on this later; for right now, i would like to call everyone’s attention to co-AL player of the week and former namesake of this blog victor martinez.
i decided i have been going to the movies too much and i didn’t want to see the ladykillers so i took a nice walk this afternoon from home to the division blue line stop. here are some stats on today’s walk:
average temperature: 98.6 (me) 81.0 (not me)
times guys shook cups full of change at me: 3
mcdonald’s passed: 2
iced coffees drank: 1
cute coffee shop employees who foisted franz ferdinand on me: 1
shirts purchased: 2
number of times i listened to the cd in my thing: 3
hot dogs i thought about buying: 1
other things i wanted to buy: sneakers. lap tops. beer. middle eastern food. basset hound.
crazy metal dudes with cats sitting on their shoulders: 0
the chinese fascist snake that can walk and kill you with ultrasonic death noises and shit is back. (i made up the kill you with noises part).
panda. are all pandas ethnically chinese? it sure seems like it. it’d be funny if they started naming pandas things like derek and michael now that they’re in america and stuff.
i think the elastic on this pair of underpants broke or something because they’re not doing their job very well. i have to go now.
