operation make pancakes was completed from 10 to 11 am with zero loss of life. this is the first time i have made pancakes by myself. i hoped that the cat would get interested in the process and start to take more of an active role in things around the kitchen. i even tempted the cat with a small pancake of her own. no response. anyway, if anybody wants the remaining human-sized pancake, please provide me with a position paper stating your views and aims concerning the future of the pancake. as always i will send any food awarded through this website through standard US mail.
also accomplished in the you-try-fooding-eat dep’t in last 16 h: i bought 6 boxes (x12 pierogii per box = 72 pierogees) of pierogies because they were $1 a box!!! also acquired 2 boxes of jewel brand raisin bran, the contents of at least one box taste a lot like cardboard. sort of a letdown.
if anybody needs more info, i can send you the whole grocery store receipt.
just for the record, this article is a big piece of crap. i wanted to write a letter to the editor pointing out why you might bother to read any wire story at all about the thing you’re theoretically using as an example to find out certain “facts” about the “stuff” you are writing “about.”
some notes:
Reasons why Kazuhito Tadano may not be a good posterboy for Gay Lib Army:
1. Not actually gay
2. If he is, he’s not telling
3. He still isn’t gay, as far as you know
4. Not gay
5. He’s straight
Completely omitted from this article: Any mention of the fact that this guy was essentially run out of Japanese baseball on a rail for being in a gay porno, which might have something to do with him not wanting to be a posterboy, if he’s even gay, which he has gone to the trouble of pointing out that he isn’t.
have i mentioned i’m excited about baseball season
also, i won a goddamn fucking song on fucking itunes. now i can stop drinking this repulsive diet pepsi. for the record it took 7 diet pepsies, not 3, and i dont even have iTunes. so double fuck everybody. if anybody wants my free song, they can have, but i will be picking it so maybe you dont want it after all. countdown to bloodcovered jesus movie: less than 1 day! ok, then, that is all.
the new god
haircuts gotten today: 1
haircuts given today: 1
QED, i gave myself a haircut. it doesnt look great, but i wasnt going to win any beauty contests in the first place, so, well, it looks fine, all things considered. i got bored after eating a frittata and walked to target and bought a buzzing-noise-powered haircutting device for less than the price of one normal haircut. the secret, as far as i can tell, is to just keep buzzing various parts of head from different angles of approach and velocities until you no longer hear cutting noises. then look at your head and see what parts you missed and then keep going over it again and again. if i fucked anything up, it’s the side panel of myhead above my left ear, which may be as much as 5/16ths of an inch shorter than the rest of my hair. i am so proud of myself.
i won’t follow you back home. i’ll write something when i get to work, but for right now, i have the following tidbits:
from “police nab driver viewing porn film” wire blurb in today’s trib:
“the officers found the movie ‘Chocolate Foam’ playing on screens embedded in the headrests and passenger-side visors of the Mercedes-Benz.”
netflix update:
american splendor: wtg filming in cleveland. i have been in that amtrak station. i have sat where cartoon meta-harvey #2 (with the stink rays) sat.
also, i had a scary-fying dream about ichiro committing ritual suicide because he got hit by a pitch. it involved a stepladder, bullet time camera work, enormous amounts of blood (some of which was revealed to be fake later in the dream), and at least two other japanese guys in mariners uniforms who i can only assume to be shigetoshi hasegawa and kazuhiro suzuki (who went back to japan in real life, but not in my dreams). and i think thom brenneman was calling the game and was terrible at it, even at fake fake announcing. he had a script to work from (which i wrote [but didn't know i wrote] and i like my own writing AND it was inside a dream) and i still noticed he was bad at it. anyway, i tremble alone with the blinds pulled. end scene.
“if love was money, i could afford you honey?” but if love was money, what would money be? so much shit would be different if love was money. after all, it’s so easy to fall in love. inflation rampant. economies collapsing. how come nobody ever makes thrillers about mundane catastrophes like economic destablilization, hunger and poverty eroding your morals. wait a minute. never mind. i answered my own question six different ways.
get off the fuckign desk cat
In continued feverish effort to avoid accomplishing anything ever, i downloaded approximately 32545 songs this morning including the gray album, a bunch of country soul, a bunch of songs from some cd compiling the best florida-based soul music of the sixties and seventies (surprisingly competent! word to blowfly on that. i saw daddy #$*ing santa claus too, man).
here’s what i can tell you about my adventure on planet music this afternoon:
there is no question that, were i to perform karaoke again, which is questionable after encountering the specter of racist paranoia during my first, last performance, the song i would perform would be “Behind Closed Doors” by Charlie Rich. it is important that i get this statement on the record (this blog has been upheld as admissable evidence by fifth district US federal court) before the blacklegs come for me.
i may have some advanced topic seminars on the gray album depending on how bored i get at work in the next 5.32 hours. don’t hold your breath for that, but i can offer the following tidbits: the song that samples “piggies” serves mostly to point out that “piggies” is deeply misunderstood.
the guy from the metro section who looks like he is in blink 182 and talks like doug from the state is currently in my peripheral vision. must restrain urge to laugh and throw my diet coke with techno-lemon at him.
in other cubicle-humor-based news: some such fuckwad destroyed the remaining functional microwave in the break room. we used to have two microwaves not more than a month ago. now we have NONE. i am a recent convert to preparing dinner beforehand and bringing it to work. how am i going to eat my defrosted lentil-carrot-freezerburn-rice ratatooey without the power of microwaves?
totally not biased at all commentary: “president bush’s re-election campaign plans to focus on… (John Kerry’s) days as an anti-war activist”
if i were john kerry and bush brought that up in a debate i would immediately go into a rambo-style flashback to the time when colonel trautman betrayed you. or just get a crazy look in your eye and smash the podium in front of you into splinters and pull out a machete before being tackled by 4074305 secret service dudes. seriously though, can a guy who sort of was in the alabama air guard shittalk an actual combat veteran for being anti-war without getting struck by lightning 74 times? jesus christ.
i took that vote smart test that andy was propagating and it told me that i should vote for Edwards or several fringe candidates. including some guy who claims to be the reincarnation of napoleon. i’d like to vote for Edwards but not before somebody tells me who he reminds me of. kermit the frog is not an acceptable answer.
also, greg maddux is clearly undergoing some sort of weird face-off/die another die plastic surgery-face-melting process to turn him into matthew broderick, who in turn is becoming dustin hoffman. someone confirm and explain.
this would go in the comments of dan’s blog, if there were comments. instead, it goes here. here is my improptu analysis of the back ends of boston and NY rotations:
Bronson Arroyo posted a WL record of 0-0 with an ERA slightly over 4. he hasn’t pitched enough against good teams to have any idea what kind of pitcher he is. He looks good from time to time. Again, insufficient data.
Byung-Hyun Kim’s numbers are from relief and starting work, but over a season he averages 6-6, 3.24, K/BB ratio of 100/32 (and 20 saves). surprisingly good considering he’s a head case. In the playoffs we saw him get yanked too early and flip off fans, and down the stretch last year, sox fans can attest to seeing him torch a couple save opportunities and then beat the shit out of a reporter. maybe that was in korea, i can’t remember. anyway, this guy = unstable.
Jose Contreras is 7-2, ERA of 3.30, K/BB of 72/30. In the playoffs we saw him be alternately unhittable or slightly wild and eminently hittable. not clear which Jose will show up.
Jon Lieber has a career 162 game avg of 11-11, ERA slightly over 4, and a K/BB ratio of 153/42. He’s coming off tommy john, which doesn’t mean A) he’ll win 20 games and post an ERA of 3.80 as he did the year before getting hurt B) he won’t do that either. so expect 10+ wins, ERA around 4, some missed time.
dont get me wrong, i’ll take pedro and schilling over brown and mussina, and low and vazquez are a wash (although i’d bet vazquez gets better and lowe gets worse from here on out). so i guess i admit the sox have a slightly pitching advantage, but still, we’re talking inches, not feet, especially in one on one playoff matchups, where pedro can’t say “hey, mussina, i am historically superior to you” and be spotted a lead by the ump. i’m not going to bother with relief staffs, i already wasted too much of my morning.
i’m having a hard time getting excited about midnight gay marriage in san franseesco because, frankly, the people getting married aren’t dressed up enough. some of them are a little dressed up but can we extend the marriage franchise to people who wear jeans to get married? hint: no.
howard dean: hasnt found his true calling yet. i give him his propers for taking his total and possibly inevitable collapse with dignity. i would hire howard dean to scare the fuck out of wayward children with stern lectures and desk-pounding-on. everybody (would) win(s).
JFK is terrible. i dont understand what compelled oliver stone to A) keep making movies B) be allowed to keep making movies C) have his movies be enjoyed by some small segment of the population. i dont remember why i didn’t remember that i’ve seen JFK at least 1.5 times prior to this and knew going in that it was terrible. this is how netflix fucks you. you spent part of your life having to go over ground already covered. i will now die approx 2.3 hours before something awesome happens. i’ll probably die while george m. bush jr. beatboxes the national anthem before the browns (coached by vin diesel) win the super bowl.
lentils: i ate you yesterday
sunset boulevard: you are dope.
where the buffalo roam: you are terrible despite sounding like a good idea.
today’s question
13 Feb, Fri, 03:43:51 Google: where do strawberries come from and pictures of strawberries
speaking as an indians fan, i would like to point out that the only thing more pathetic than red sox fans alternately pissing themselves, or bragging about how they courageously managed not to piss themselves and then drastically overrating bronson arroyo is well, the yankees going ahead and doing their best to ruin baseball. i’m not going to trot out luxury tax shit or complain about how they’re committing the baseball-economics equivalent of stab sex or something (gene hackman!). well, i guess saying im not going to trot those out counts as trotting them out.
anyway, trot trot trot, but my larber boinb (stuffy nose is killing me, that was supposed to say larger point) is that this is sort of artless. there’s nothing creative or especially evil about it. people can argue that it’s this crazy fascinating boomerang plotline where the guy who fucked the red sox last year managed to fuck them again by tearing his ACL playing hoop with bloodthirsty rec league gorillas, thus driving the yankees to the entirely logical conclusion of forcing the reigning AL MVP and twotime gold glover winner to change positions and form, voltron-like, the world’s first and last $500 million dollar infield (that’s without a second baseman; maybe zombie rogers hornsby is available. or maybe they can just give Enrique Wilson a postdated check for one gabillion dollars). anyway, despite the overwhelming obvious fact that it is not a boring stupid trade, i am sticking to my claim that it’s a boring stupid trade. now, for most fans of AL Central teams/any other team in baseball, you hate both the Red Sox and the Yankees, and you’re pretty much showing up this season on the off chance that both teams are destroyed in a king ralph-like accident thus clearing the way for Joe Randa to lead the Royals to the first of a gaudy 12 consecutive world series after which tony shalhoub will win the oscar for his transfixing performance as Tony Pena (Michael Rapaport nominated for his supporting role as Kerry collins). that’s sort of boring and stupid, i think. not that thing abotu the similarities between Tonies Shalhoub and Pena (think about it). Whats boring and stupid is that the Shalhoub-Pena dream is about as plausible as the Royals beating the Yankees (or the Red sox) in a seven (or five) game series. there’s a lot of funny bounces in baseball, and anybody can win anything (wave to the nice people Jeffrey Loria, PS you look like business casual jabba the hut). So, nothing’s ruined. you cant ruin baseball. nobody can ruin baseball except if they turned into future baseball like in that one all-sport commercial, with flying outfielders and random spots on the basepath that launch you into outer space. even then, who knows. several things are certain in life:
1. death
2. taxes
3. you cant cover chad johnson
4. the death tax
5. the yankees are dicks
5a. i like to make complicated analogies
in the interest of honoring line item 5a and moving on in a timely fashion: here in this time of making middlebrow cold war sports dramas (the hockey movie), i propose a timely cold war themed sports allegory for yall. The red sox are the sean connery in the hurt for red october. tastefully bearded, well-versed in scripture, trying to deliver a big giant special thing to america. the yankees are stellan skarsgard. sweaty, probably underequipped in a marital sense (no harm meant stellan, im talking about your character) and also, probably interested in some form of anal butt love with sean connery. meanwhile, the indians are a combination of that black guy with earphones and luke skywalker, just to keep things interesting. this analogy isn’t really going anywhere. let me start over:
OK, OK, i got one. This might not even qualify as an analogy. but my point of points is that once again, after carefully consulting some urine samples and a speak and spell, i have concluded that the red sox are not as evil as the yankees, although they might be slightly evil. this is a trite note to end on. everybody has an unreasoned hate of the yankees, except for yankees fans, who don’t. sometimes, as an outsider speaking, the whole red sox-yankees thing, its like a fight between drunk people or NBA players or drunk NBA players. nobody’s landing any punches, it’s funny. other times, it’s like watching an NHL fight, where both guys are numbed by cold/socioeconomic despair and can’t feel anything. and some days, such as valentines day, it’s like watching a couple fight over who loves each other more. you don’t care, its dumb, you wish they’d shut up and stop trying to make you want to barf because you’re single and alone/an economic have-not. if i was giving this a headline, i would call it “for glove or money” or something along those lines.
shoes
potato soup
vinyl
tragicomedy
that is all. prepare for the advent of karaoke muhammad when i board the 10:30 flying carpet to heaven.
my nobe ib sbill stubfed ub so nothing has changed, excepting that i have read some more of big trouble and watched more movies.
run ronnie run: this movie was a giant piece of crap. which i expected for the most part. the three times one minus one video is pretty funny, except they ruined it by having the guy who previously only could say “damn” or “double damn, damn damn” say other weird things, especially saying the night lincoln was shot was a peanut in comparison to the other thing. probably not worth your time and trouble unless you have sleep with your mr show dvd in your arm/butt.
crimes and misdemeanors: if you like A) woody allen B) solid gold throwaway jokes about coprophilia C) evil Landau D) blind rabbi Sam Waterston (seen here in 70s business casual mode) YOU WILL LOVE crimes and misdemeanors. did i see and love this movie? that is a yes.
followup question apropos of nothing, is sam waterston jewish? should i even be asking? he’s not blind, that i feel confident asserting that. this movie made not being able to sleep on wednesday morning a real goddamn treat. i mean it. you get your alan alda, your woody allen engaging in marginally creepy relationship with young niece briefly, your Evil Landau daily recommended intake, etc. i gave this movie 4 starzz on netflix because 3.92 is not an option.
the lady eve: the first old-timey preston sturges movie i rented after hearing him namechecked for the 923524th time in reference to things that i like such as rushmore and the coen brothers. not terribly funny, at least not consistently, although i have to admit a fondness for the school of comedy that dictates that the funniest possible thing is somebody either A) falling down in nice clothes or B) getting shit spilled on nice clothes or C) falling down while getting shit spilled on nice clothes. also funny is D) two people wearing nice clothes falling down repeatedly or having multiple things spilled on them. however, i have a theory in progress that old-timey movies arent as funny as they were when they were still somewhat recent. this is because slang such as “mug” (for dude or guy) is no longer entertaining and the idea of helping a woman change slippers is no longer erogenous. old movies are also not as funny because people don’t dress in tuxedos often enough that the idea of getting something spilled on your tuxedo resonates in the same way.
sullivan’s travels: the second old-timey preston sturges movie i rented. this movie gets the official pick to click designation despite the old-timeyness. this movie is hilarious in part and has some shit to say for people who enjoy “o brother where art thou.” maybe i’m crazy, but this movie is tree-mendous. and by the nice clothes/falling down/spilling food schemata, the scene on the bus where the black guy, the crazy guy (who is also in The Lady Eve) and the secretary and the wacky eastern-european doctor guy all fall down and get food spilled on them for approximately all of a 5 minute bus-chasing-kid-in-old-timey-race-car sequence is the funniest thing that has ever happened anywhere ever. and 4095235 bonus points for correct and tasteful use of slide whistle in the scene where veronica lake finds out that sullivan isn’t dead, just on a chain gang in the bayou mysteriously located somewhere in kansas.
that verizon commercial where tobey maguire shows up at the end to shill for verizon: what the hell? i’m trying to like tobey maguire here. he seems like a good guy. no more cell phone commercials bitch. also, please look at that link of tobey maguire fan-art. that is possibly the best instance of found art on this blog since that time i found a picture of a crazy alien to go with the story about the time my brother’s friend found a picture of a crazy alien on the inside of a carton of banananas.
the film adaptation of netflix owning the paint on the basketball court of my brain: i have the following things/objects coming in the mail to me: where the buffalo roam (bill murray circa stripes as hunter s. thompson), JFK (do you need someone to talk to about the JFK conspiracy. i will be that someone), that one documentary abotu the Clash, the entire third seasons of both Mr Show and The Simpsons (why did i have the bowl bart?), and like 25 other movies. also, the idea that you can accomplish everything entailed in the process of movie rental, except for watching the movie, through the internet MONTHS IN ADVANCE has me in some kind of deranged emotional-boner thrall. never miind that. and at $20 per mens i think i am saving money on my previous 2 movies per semana habit from crockhustler video.
also: COLD BLOODED
also: the mystery and majesty of the english language, part mcxii:
in the course of everyday discussion of respectively, A) me and B) either rap music or pasta, i cant remember which, both my dad and sam used the term ‘white paper’ which i have not heard since high school previous to that.
from stelzner.com:
What is a White Paper?
The term white paper is an offshoot of the term white book, which is an official publication of a national government. A famous white paper example is the Winston Churchill White Paper of 1922, which addressed political conflict in Palestine.
A white paper typically argues a specific position or solution to a problem. Although white papers take their roots in governmental policy, they have become a common tool used to introduce technology innovations and products. A typical search engine query on “white paper” will return millions of results, with many focused on technology-related issues.
consider yourself edutained.
