OK, this is the plot, roughly, of the third harry potter movie, according to CNN.com: This time, the gang faces an escaped convict (Gary Oldman) who’s coming after Harry for mysterious reasons.
ahahahahah. i am so glad i’m done growing up. imagine if instead of growing up with Han Solo and shit, the important children’s movies of your generation featured Gary Oldman playing an escaped convict coming after you for mysterious reasons. The human race is fucked. Fucked.
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From the AP wire:
WUERZBURG, Germany (AP) — The United States was justified in going to war against Iraq because Saddam Hussein violated U.N. resolutions ordering him to disarm, the Pentagon’s second-in-command said Saturday.
Deputy Defense Secretary Paul Wolfowitz said flawed intelligence about Iraq’s weapons of mass destruction should be investigated, but the inability of inspectors to find such weapons did not mean the war was unnecessary.
Does that mean that other countries can invade us for not complying with the UN? Can I invade my upstairs neighbor’s apartment because, if you think about it, i don’t think the UN would approve of walking REALLY LOUD ALL THE TIME and listening to Guided by Voices records LOUDER THAN BOMBS ALL THE TIME and also playing some sport that apparently involves dropping bowling balls CONSTANTLY on your floor which is also YOUR NEIGHBORS CEILING.
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Enthusiastic Product Endorsement: Glenny’s Soy Crisps, BBQ flavor.
To quote from the bag (which i just had to fish out of the garbage): “One 1.3 oz. bag provides you with (heart icon) 9g Soy Protein (heart icon) 23 mg Soy Isoflavones (what the fuck?) 40% RDI Folic Acid (delicious) 30% RDI Calcium.”
This is the part I love best: The blurb from Cosmopolitan: “EVEN BETTER THAN POTATO CHIPS. DELICIOUS!” One, they review snacks in cosmo? Two, they review snacks in a fair and balanced manner in cosmo. i’ve never met Glenny, although I’d like to, but if i did meet him i would have to come up with some kind of retarded pun on soy, like “Soy pleased to meet you” but hopefully less shitty than that.
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Last night I took a score from a boys high school game and one of the players was named Johnny Walker. Is that better or worse than being named Courvoisier or VSOP or something? Is it even the same? Hint: better, not really.
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So this movie “You got served”: is it actually about breakdance fighting?
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There’s a picture of a guy stapling a nametag to a cow’s ear on the front page of the Business section in today’s paper. I like humorous pictures of cows plenty, but the caption is even better:
“Josh Elmore of the ALABAMA BEEF CONNECTION!!! (emphasis mine) puts a tracking device in the ear of a cow in Auburn, Ala.”
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1. Is there a funnier storefront in America than the Theater District Arby’s/Sbarro combo at Lake & Dearborn?
Hint: No
2. nothing brings me more joy than leaving mumbled unintelligible messages on people’s answering machines. except getting mumbled unintelligible messages from total strangers with thick accents with area code 206 numbers (zimpleman i would be looking at you, except you’re not an indian-american-sounding woman and i have your phone number).
i am attempting to translate as much of this message as possible. right now i have something going like this: “hello, uh (consulting piece of paper) pete this is (crazy ethnic name) at (name of thing, sort of sounds like trinity cathedral) and we would love it if you could give us a callback at (ethnic-sounding phone 888 number) and (total gibberish)”
3. some thoughts on Rick Wilkins
Rick Wilkins was traded for himself twice. By which i mean he was traded in separate deals for Kirt Manwaring and Scott “not service” Servais. Also, i do not understand why Rick Wilkins hit .303 with 30 homers in 1993. but i do see it as a contributing factor in why all the catchers in ken griffey baseball have the superjacked body type, including Kirt Manwaring who looked like french-connection-era Gene Hackman sans hat for the most part.
4. my dad and i disagreed on this, so i put it to the public: does John Kerry look more like sam the eagle or beaker? that picture of beaker is convincing, i’m not going to deny it. but i stand by sam the eagle. i was a sam the eagle supporter from day one, and i have hard evidence to back that up (cf. “the trajectory of the ball,” ink on paper, american, early 21st century, on display room 026, ida noyes hall). and i might know the meaning of the word “quit” but i only learned it recently. the people are with beaker, i can feel it. now i know how howard dean feels. also, in that picture of kerry, it looks like he’s about to roll john lennon while chris from Northern Exposure flees the scene to avoid being photographed because he’s involved in a weird time travel experiment. i shouldn’t poke fun: my junior senator looks like a drug-crazed hobbit (seen here interdicting contraband pizza at gunpoint), and my senior senator is rapidly turning into Spock.
5. i ate shit while walking past st. sylvester’s church today, for the first time all winter, ruining an unblemished streak of not falling down while walking since early spring. i’m starting to feel like mike mussina going into the ninth inning of a no-hitter. whenever i get close to getting through a winter without falling down, sandy alomar lines a pitch off my eyeball.
so i sent a few e-mails and after the first few the usual Yahoo advertisements popped up in the message sent window, one for personal ads, one for cheap airfares or something. and then the third one was for some kind of microtrimmer clearly designed for unsightly ear and nose hair.
so, guys, is there something you’ve been meaning to tell me?
some notes:
when did Todd Zeile play for 11 teams?
I got Cardinals, Mets, Rockies, Yankees and Dodgers.
I missed Baltimore, the Cubs, Florida, Philadelphia, Texas, and Montreal. Jesus.
Also, Gary Sheffield wants to move back to third. Normally I’m not this excited abotu the Yankees third-base situation but the whole Aaron Boone H-O-R-S-Egate scenario is kind of awesome.
Welcome to the new Catholic Church.
anybody want to do some betting squares for super tuesday?
create your own visited states map
or write about it on the open travel guide
26 down, 23 to go. i feel no special compulsion to do texas the favor of considering it a state.
on my mind right now:
i cooked lentil stew and used dried chili peppers. everything worked out fine but i definitely have chili-finger and have subsequently gotten chili pain in my eyes and nose. i went off-book with the stew and it is FIERCE.
1. in the course of six hours of MTV i saw one thing that got me pretty excited: one of the guys from B2K (whose song sort of sucks) is wearing a 1994 New York Jets jersey with #7. at the time i insisted that it was a Glenn Foley jersey. as it turns out, it’s actually a Boomer Esiason jersey. either way, it’s hard to fuck with. although Glenn Foley would have been been a bit more up my alley. i wondered for a moment if the guys from B2K are trying to make some kind of statement about themselves, but then it occurred to me that the jersey was probably just worn because it matched the other green jerseys the other guys were wearing.
without flying completely off the handle about throwback jerseys (too late), i farted around on froogle and have complied the following greatest hits list:
1980 Steve Bartkowski jersey
i understand there’s a lot of inertia towards the electro-futuro in HFL uniforms (everyone thank Elvis Patriot and the Tennessee Titans for that), and i understand that the heldover moddish Falcons duds eventually had to go. But i wish the change had been more comprehensive, instead of leaving traces of how great the white top/red numbers/black helmet/silver pantaloons era had been. the falcons, for all their notable lack of success on the field, have always looked good while sucking, even during the ’80s, during their “we dress like fascists” phase, illustrated here.
Vince Carter’s, um, high school jersey
This is weird and it looks sort of unlicensed. at any rate it raises all sorts of merchandising/legal dept questions.
Pooh Richardson Clippers jersey
It’s second from the top; the other jerseys on this page are worth checking out too. I don’t think a current Elton Brand Clippers jersey qualifies as a throwback, but whatever. Pooh Richardson!
Not exactly a jersey but: Clinton Portis throwback bobblehead
Here’s my question: isn’t this just a Bobby Humphrey bobblehead with “PORTIS” stamped over the name spot? Bobby Humphrey wore 26, right? I can’t remember. But this is the most complicated artifact of sports-collector-culture EVER. and the fact that it’s being sold on the Houston Texans’ website makes it more weird. Bonus: you can also get your William Green bobblehead on the Texans site. Miniature steak knife probably not included. Texans.com gets my vote for one-stop retarded memorabilia stop for 2004 AND ITS JANUARY. Also available for the low low price of $7.97: Chris Weinke.
Padres throwback tennis dress
Hmm. this is just fucked up.
Wali Rainer Browns jersey
i’m sorry it didn’t work out Wali. i miss you sometimes.
Roy Hobbs jersey
Wish list:
Raghib Ishmail Toronto Argonauts jersey
Mike Pagel Browns jersey
Bump Bailey NY Knights jersey
Ricky Vaughn jersey
I failed pretty extensively in my attempt to not crap my pants over the fact that you can shop for weird shit over the internet, included ironic/obscure sports apparel. Aahahah. sasquatch requires dinner.
1. the second half of Lolita thus far is not as good as the first half. does anyone have words of encouragmen or the prior knowledge to assure me that it gets better and also funny again before the unhappy ending i have constructed out of seeing two different movie versions?
2. i’m sort of bored. i realize now that i could be watching a movie or reading, now that i have taken a shower and shaved, but i also, immediately after realizing that, realized that i have to leave for work in approx 1 hr. i could also go for a diet soda and some sort of hard candy to suck on. Now I did other stuff for another half hour and I have EVEN LESS time to goof off with.
3. Mixing cottage cheese and salsa: definitely good.
4. Carrots: also good.
5. Now that I’m actually at work: It’s not so bad here. What was I going to say:
Why didn’t somebody page me or somethign for the whole Howard Dean FREAKS THE FUCK OUT incident? I wish I had seen the Daily Show when this happened. I don’t understand why I don’t just go ahead and plan on watching the Daily Show every night. Also, I was mildy ostracized as either a racist or a Luddite or both for admitting that I did not grow up watching the Cosby Show. My defense at the time was that I did not watch much TV when I was a kid. Now that I’ve reevaluated that statement, I think it qualifies as a medium-size lie. Just the same, i have no memories of watching the Cosby Show when I was a kid. I remember the last episode of the Cosby Show. and I have vague memories of enjoying a few episodes of A Different World here and there. Before Dwayne Dwayne stopped being a student and became a professor though. Probably before Sinbad stopped being the ROTC guy too. Which, at the end of the day, is probably why I get along better with african-americans than you do.
Sandwich notes: The roast beef sub i am eating from Jimmy John’s:
this would be good if it had less lettuce and more roast beef you assholes. i paid you $6.50 for this. prepare to die. i apologize for the lack of pertinent (insert thing) reviews. the reason for the lack of restaurant reviews is that i have been subsisting mostly on tacos and cottage cheese. the lack of other stuff i can’t really speak to. but i will attempt to review things that i eat/do inside my home in the future, so that we don’t have any more problems like this.
thing review: lunch
instead of just pouring cold pasta sauce over noodles, i fried the noodles in olive oil with an onion that had been sauteed for nowhere near long enough for any flavor-combustion to occur. in the future i will be better about the onion.
i had some kind of humorous anecdote for dissemination about this time yesterday. but then the power went out for a minute and the computer restarted itself. as self-renumeration for the harrowing experience of not being able to use electricity for 10-15 minutes, i took a shower and went to see lost in translation, about which i have nothing terribly interesting to say. and then i rented comedian, which was interesting. somewhere in there tacos were consumed. and i went to the ATM at the casa de cambio (or, check-cashing place) which has the following features:
1. not actually an ATM
2. just someone with a debit-payment machine who rings up a fictional purchase from you, and then gives you the cash you wanted minus a $2 fee.
3. nice because you get $18, instead of just a $20 bill, so you don’t have to worry about change, at least not immediately.
just the same, i have some complaints about the availability of ATMs at the Kalifornia und Milwaukeeplatz, which, for residents of the L2, is your #1 travel destination for commerce, tacos, blockbuster video and the chick from the liquor store and the liquor store itself. like the moon always falling to earth i am perpetually moving towards tacos.
Anyway: before the providential light of casa de cambio appeared on MLK day, the day before in fact, i found myself in more or less the same position, except full of chicken soup and not tacos. the position was that i needed $5ish dollars to pay for my shit. so out i went into the world. Result: gasface.
Cozy Corner Diner: ATM, but closed
Casa de cambio: demi-ATM (i didn’t know yet), but closed
Logan Square Pantry: Broken ATM
“L” Stop Foods” Broken ATM, also closed
Vas Foremost Liquors: Broken ATM
Cuatros Caminos Supermercado: Closed, broken ATM
Cal.-Mil. Produce: Closed, no ATM, if there was one it would smell terrible and be covered in dirt and shitty produce
Proposed solution: cant we just start using debit cards for everything or something?
grocery list
1. cottage cheese
2. juice product (V8 splash fruit medley yess)
3. cereal
4. skim milk
5. apples
6. cold cuts (pref turkey)
7. cheeses, non-cottage
8a. frozen entrees
8b. lean pockets
8c. pierogies
9. microwave popcorn
10. salsa, pref green olive cilantro
11. coconut milk
12a. the makings of curry stew
12b. the makings of chili
13. chicken breasticles
14. some kind of salad dressing
15. baby carrots. baby-cut carrots also accepted
16. lechuga
17. el milagro or el ranchero brand tortilla chip product
18. strawberry yogurt
my project for the month of february is to, in the words of a sequined-accented baseball hat i saw a guy wearing on the red line once, get my mind right bitch. and by “get my mind right bitch” i mean to self-medicate through cooking. and by self-medicate i’m not sure what i mean. but i want to cook some shit. we’ll save money by cutting out the taco middle man. although i don’t know that i’ll be cooking any tacos. so i’m putting the claim out for favorite recipes. please leave them in the comments repository. also, somebody give me a copy of Libra, i figure Don DeLillo deserves another chance. i will also accept free copies of Pafko at the Wall/rest of Underworld. Other stuff encouraged. Food and size 11.5 shoes (in GOOD CONDITION) welcome. Keep the home fires burning. we out
from an otherwise neat article in Friday’s tempo section about NFL head coaches becoming figures of profound cultural importance:
“The secret (of the profundity) may also be embedded in the eyes of Mike Shanahan, twin missiles that, in the course of even a casual glance, drill relentlessly into the depths of one’s eternal soul.”
The reason that his stare is so piercing is because half of it is made out of glass. So make that 1 real missile and 1 fake but nonetheless threatening missile. I don’t know why I find this so funny.
Items of interest: I think I saw Brett Tomko’s car while walking to pick up dinner. it was a navigator with the license plate “TOMKO 1.” While trying to find out whether or not brett tomko is from illinois and thus likely to be valet-parked in the 18th state (or 19th, i can’t remember?) I discovered the following crazy, crazy piece of shit featuring what i can only assume to be a tone poem about Brett Tomko. highlight:
My wish is that he will soon find the right pitching coach or seasoned veteran
who will guide him to the realization that he is filled with brilliance.
I give it this poem 3 and a half stars. out of how many i don’t know. that site offers many pages like this for many other current and recently retired pitchers. vantastic is all i can say.
Restaurant review: Boston Blackies, grand & st clair
the friday night default at the office, because it’s close and run by well-meaning individuals. the pick to click here is allegedly the hamburger. because i was the last person to arrive on friday night for the first five months of work, i never had the opportunity (or reverse opportunity) to get in on orders. the first time i did i went with the hamburger, taking the advice of my betters at face value. the hamburger consists of an entire family of cows put in a blender and then burgerized along with a slice of tomato the size of a manhole cover and like a pickle and some coleslaw, in a shabby attempt to redress the tree-stump-sized cowmeat bomb in styrofoam sarcophagus you have been given. i ate it, more from competitive instinct than anything else. three months later, I still haven’t gone to the bathroom.
anyway, i’ve sworn off the hamburgers because i have the fear. you know, the fear. it’s like how smoking a cigarette not only increases your longterm chances of heart disease but during the physical act og smoking, your heart rate increases and your immediate chances of instant death increase as well. that’s roughly what happens when you eat their hamburger. your longterm chances of dying increase a little bit, but in addition some kind of crazy entropy shit happens and the wheel of fortune inside your brain comes very close to bankrupt or something. does anybody know what I mean or am i crazy?
anyway, to make a short story longer: i get the garbage salad. which doesn’t have any real garbage in it. except for the questionable inclusion of a hard-boiled egg, the yolk of which is usually greenish or blue on the outside. i fed that to my garbage can for dinner. the key to the ensalada de basura is the double-eye-missile action of artichoke hearts and hearts of palm. i ordered the dressing on the side tonight. “on the side” was interpreted by the restaurant as “left at the restaurant” so i had to steal dressing from the break room fridge. which resulted in brief but intense paranoia as i poured balsamic vinaigrette liberally while eyeing the door frame for the owner of the vinaigrette to enter and roll me for commandeering his or her flavor enhancement products.
anybody want a +1 pass to see “Miracle” starring kurt russell and various others at 600 n michigan next tuesday night at 7 pm compliments of walt disney pictures. let the bidding begin at $500. by which i mean free. if you want it let me know. also, i got a new computer at work. which means my typing surface is now free of 12 years of finger grime. things are just getting better and better around here.
