i realize now that “Naked, bleeding man seeks help at Cal Ripken’s house” can’t happen every day, despite my wishes. as a result, i have nothing to talk about. this is the end.
selected searches (i deleted the six searches for grady sizemore):
25 Nov, Tue, 13:07:49 MSN Search: scrabble snack mix
25 Nov, Tue, 13:13:20 Google: Whet Moser Blog
25 Nov, Tue, 18:29:26 Google: barry sanders dunking
25 Nov, Tue, 19:54:03 Google: does lawrence fishburne smoke newports
25 Nov, Tue, 23:20:47 Google: “a j pierzynski” fucker
27 Nov, Thu, 12:55:44 Yahoo: “Bernie Kosar Jersey”
28 Nov, Fri, 09:23:49 Google: bernie kosar jersey
28 Nov, Fri, 17:42:12 Google: “Piazza New York Catcher” tab
28 Nov, Fri, 18:28:24 Google: Sean Penn’s coat in Mystic River
whoever writes the headlines at cnn.com is A GENIUS:
Naked, bleeding man seeks help at Cal Ripken’s house
The only thing they didn’t manage to cram into that headline is that the naked man had also been shot in the back. Also: doesn’t it seem suspicious that a naked bleeding man showed up at Cal Ripken’s house? Maybe Cal Ripken kidnapped him stole his clothes and then shot him? How about we replace the maybe with a DEFINITELY. OK, great! All this harkens back to the greatest headline ever written anywhere for any reason, which appeared in the police blotter section of the Berea/North Olmstead/Middleburg edition of the Sun-Times lo these many years ago:
Naked man seen running through woods
Moving on, thanksgiving was nice and i saw bad santa and it was unbelievably lewd and obscene in a really fantastic and great way. i give it two snaps. i ate a bunch of ham and i feel bad because wiry cat spent thanksgiving alone for the most part. sorry wires, i miss you too. i have to go back to work now, love, pete.
objective 27B, “get a ham in the mail,” has been successfully completed thanks to the nice lady at 2337 n. kedzie. there is now a weird styrofoam pig sarcophagus in the freezer. soon we will devour its contents in a traditional american holiday ritual. word.
from the studio that brought you the chicago maroon’s nick nolty,
GLEN CAMPBELL!
also, important health update from english.pravda.ru:
Given the modern life realities, anyone can become a vampire. So to check how much of a vampire you are already, you can use the following test prepared by Vampire Research Center.
Are you skinny?
Is your face pale?
You often wear sunglasses and use sunburn protection cream?
You prefer candles to electric light?
Are you tolerant to temperature changes?
You look much younger than your age?
You have a deep, magnetizing look?
You are rarely ill, avoid medicines?
Do you judge smokers and drug users?
Do you like night-time loneliness?
Do you like raw meat?
You are not interested in sex much?
You like occult sciences?
You like dressing in black?
The more positive answers you gave, the closer you are to start drinking blood.
everybody peep, it’s good for you. take your time with it, keep a copy in the bathroom. that could be problematic depending on the connectivity of your bathroom.
in an attempt to flesh out this post from a mere shill (the revolution will not be blogged):
Le Peep pancakery/weird-ass restaurant< evanston, IL at lunch-timey
the neighborhood of andersonville does not exist. if it does, then it is hovering in the sky right now and cannot be accessed via conventional, non-flying-delorean traffic. there is absolutely no way this neighborhood actually exists. we drove through where it is in an attempt to get lunch. despite not knowing where it is or whether or not we actually drove through where it’s supposed to be, i can confindently assert that andersonville is a fakeborhood along the lines of “st. ben’s,” “north corner,” “roscoe village,” “east hyde park,” and “k(orea) town” (not to be konfused with “k[-themed street names] town”). also, now that i think about, st bens/north corner/roscoe village might all be the same place, or at least overlap, and i think three fakeborhoods combine into one regular neighborhood.
all of this is just a prelude to declaring the sovereign neighborhood of PALMER SQUARE of which i am king, or at least assistant king owing to my short-lived residency. and that declaration, apparently, is just a prelude to a review of some schlubby restaurant in evanston. which, to tie up a loose end, we only went to because it seemed like the thing to do after andersonville refused to be found and circumstance dictated that we not go to devon street. and it’s not like we’re going to eat in rogers park, apparently. more on this neighborhood point in a minute but first:
(the actual restaurant)
it’s just a restaurant? i don’t know. giving customers who order a cup of coffee a cup and an entire jug of coffee probably saves them time and effort on the refill issue, also allowing the customer to have as much coffee as he or she likes. in my case, where i have a problem remembering that coffee makes you very excited, it results in me being ALL FCUCKCKED up on caffeine from 2 pm to 7 pm and not so energetic (or non-suicidal) from 7 pm to 10:30, all of which time was spent wishing i was energetic at work. they do the same thing with soda (less of a problem) and serving diet coke in an old-timey carafe. also, the waitress had crazy voice. and there is no reason to ever go to this restaurant unless you live in evanston or need diet coke in a carafe. and then when we left, there was this kid, only sort of dorky looking, walking down the street talking on a cell phone. this is the only part of his half-conversation we overheard: Slightly nerdy guy: (emphatic, confident)it’s like the Last Jedi Knight, but only with like MORE control of his force powers. then we ran across the street laughing and screaming, to the delight of at least one african-american passer(s)-by. ok
back to the neighborhood:
Rob neyer-styley analysis of the new PALMER SQUARE megalopolis:
North border: Fullerton 2400 N
South: Armitage 2000 N
west: Kedzie 3200 W
east: Kalifornia 2800 W
Thus we have a .5 mile square area. Some might push back the east border to Sacramento, which hampers my case (a lot actually). never mind them.
If you take Sacramento-Humboldt as the eastern frontier of PALMER SQUARE, here are the places of interest:
Andres family foods convenience store (booo)
Curves Womens fitness
The Vein Therapy Center
the gas station at fullerton at sacramento (hmm)
the walgreens on armitage (big time)
the streetside cafe (they mean well, in their way)
hi-fi video (do not ever go there)
armitage cleaners (?)
tacqueria moran (the beating heart of east palmer square)
cafeteria pancho (meh)
the cozy corner (salonica manque)
the subway on CA (whatever)
airway exterminators (no comment)
L Stop Foods (definitely front for vice lords or something)
the California Blue Line stop (historically underrated)
cuatros caminos supermercado (there are only two roads there?)
Roberto Clemente branch US Post Office (respect!)
the elementary school on belden
I’m going to go ahead and further claim the milwaukee/prindiville Blockbuster in a sudetenland-like annexation. but the similarities between assistant kingship of palmer square and hitler’s foreign policy end there. My list clearly demonstrates the ascendancy of PALMER SQUARE. i have more shit to say about neighborhoods and fakeborhoods later. for now, i leave you with recent google (MC) serches:
24 Nov, Mon, 10:07:18 Google: video of ryan ludwick butt fucking pete beatty
24 Nov, Mon, 12:43:14 Google: does lawrence fishburne smoke newports
24 Nov, Mon, 13:35:12 Google: Grady Sizemore
24 Nov, Mon, 14:15:14 Google: “just leave the ring on the rail”
24 Nov, Mon, 15:55:00 Google: grady sizemore
24 Nov, Mon, 18:13:31 Yahoo: bernie kosar jersey
24 Nov, Mon, 21:32:24 Google: “pete beatty” 1984
25 Nov, Tue, 08:17:05 Google: Seminole indian’s
25 Nov, Tue, 08:21:01 MSN Search: Micosukee Indians
i don’t remember having sex with ryan ludwick, or anybody taping it, incidentally. but whoever did that made me laugh a lot at work and then i realized i could never explain it to the people at work, because how would you react if the person next to you began laughing about that? Also, the laurence fishburne thing is amazing.
there are so many (new) faces, volume 3:
i just finished talking to the cat about her problem with not trashing the blinds in my window. at the end i said “you’re not going to meet me half-way on this one, are you?” the cat shook her head and immediately starting licking her ass. that’s a pretty fair summary of the way sunday went. the browns are probably still sitting in the dark somewhere licking their asses. The weather continues to lick its ass outside the window, which is open a little bit because the thermostat thinks 72 is actually 90 (thermostat might actually think 72 is 72, i might think 72 is 120). the cat is watching me type and squinting. i went to the record store and sold a bunch of old sentimental favorites. to an attempt to at least pretend to like music i bought a steely dan record and mummer. then i went home and tried to figure out what the fuck was wrong with the needle on the turntable. which means i went ahead and finished breaking the needle and now i can’t listen to anything until i get a new needle.
peep:
Friendship Chinese Restaurant, 2830 N Milwaukee (algonquin for the good land) ave
this place will run the fuck up on you. i went with Red China (under Poultry): “chicken wok tossed with garlic and 3 different chilies. Hot!”, a description which does not do justice to some flavorful chicken shit. they also offer a dish called “Champagne Lemon Chicken” which (if you know what happens when i go to the snail) is obviously the best idea ever. this place might not change anybody’s life but it’s definitely a strong option in the logan square area. peep on the Reader link for a more lyrical assessment of what goes on, i can only point at what i mean. strong vegetarian options abound. i had a hard time saying no to bok choy. to wrap things up neatly, champagne lemon chicken is an apt description for this joint, it’s the snail with ahem, a touch of class? not that i don’t love the shiot out the snail, and this place is a bit more expensive that the beloved gastropod of 55th street. but that extra two bucks: it’s in the food, jerks. normally i just make light of things that happen in and around restaurants when i go to them, so for the cheap seats: the waitresses are all polish? but they have chinese accents (according, briefly, to fellow adventurer B.Q. Adamowski)? i’ll finish with a citation from the menu: “If you wish to say I am taking this cooking & eating business too serious, you may. Indeed I am. (new graph) (their italics) Are you? (new graph) — Alan –“
bar review:
the beachwood inn, int of beach & wood (clever! (not really!!))
all i have to say about this place is that their jukebox should have some sort of internal logic device that prevents more than three journey songs from being played ironically (or fake-ironically) in any one 24-hour period. that and the (autographed !!!!) hand-made photo collage of STEVE FUCKING KERR next to the men’s room door: I love you Steve. getting back to the concept of fake irony: bleached-hair ladies who were obviously the ones responsible for most of the journey being played: are you doing it out of irony (a transgression in and of itself), out of fake irony (you actually like journey but want people to think it’s ironic) or earnest love of journey (the least of three evils)? do you even know? or do you just put money into boxes with blinking lights whenever possible? also, they have a poster for the movie “dracula: dead and loving it.” weird. i bear this place no more ill will than i usually would.
well i felt like writing something, and i went ahead and did that. how does everyone feel about that?
recent search engine hits:
20 Nov, Thu, 12:31:17 Google: “pete beatty” 1984
21 Nov, Fri, 12:35:23 Yahoo: theismann injury video
21 Nov, Fri, 21:26:06 MSN Search: grady sizemore
22 Nov, Sat, 13:37:42 Google: hipster diet coffee stress
22 Nov, Sat, 20:44:59 Google: civil war fuck
23 Nov, Sun, 01:41:38 MSN Search: indians porn
23 Nov, Sun, 04:17:20 Google: dudley dooright cartoon
23 Nov, Sun, 09:15:10 Google: belle sebastian piazza tab
23 Nov, Sun, 13:06:49 Yahoo: bernie kosar jewish
23 Nov, Sun, 16:47:29 Google: piazza new york catcher tab
23 Nov, Sun, 21:16:38 Google: dudley dooright cartoon
trends: “fuck of civil war” has become “civil war fuck.” the history-themed porn search contingent also chipped in with “indians porn” although that could refer to our subcontinental friends. also, nice to see people still care about bernie kosar’s religious preferences.
remind to never, ever, ever to append a hastily written burrito & chips preamble to a saturday at work. they’ll be talking about this win in burrito arbor for years. oh god. oh noooo. ok, we will get through this.
IN OTHER NEWS:
Thanksgiving: The Babylonian Captivity v2.1.3: Ready to Die has received the green light. i am now accepting recipe suggestions. this year’s theme flavor is SUN-DRIED LEMON and the theme texture is DECK TAPE. whatever but i am going to COOK THE FUCK out of thanksgiving in east hyde park.
Some event called “The Festival of Light” is setting up in the plaza outside the Trib. Apparently this event involves Mickey Mouse riding a chariot pulled by migrant workers to the plaza and lighting some sort of sacred tree that demands people make sacrifices to it in the form of Hammacher-Schlemmer receipts. I could give a shit about that part. The problem: In order for this shitstorm to blow through, they have to sound-test speakers the size of Hoover Dam on the plaza right… over… there. And what’s the choice of music: NO DOUBT. Meet me in the Signature Room. I’ll bring a cinder block.
***Late breaking update***
The speakers are now being used for a full dress-rehearsal of song and dance numbers by people dressed up as Disney characters. oh my fucking god.
hey moacir, are you an english grad student? because i couldn’t tell there for a minute. seriously though folks, we all know the great american novel is Moneyball. [rim shot]. In other news, I spent most of yesterday trying to find a book to read after i finish 13 stories, 13 epitaphs by Vollmann (which i am not exactly blazing through), which took to me to both the Harold Washington Library and the Powell’s at 828 S. Wabash. despite going to two extremely-book-filled rooms in the hope… fuck it i am finishing this post later.
janitor at roscoe & western 24-hour Jewel: HOLY FUCK YOU SMELL BAD.
You’re Newfoundland. You’re not a complex person,
but it’s not because you’re not intelligent;
you just perfer the simpler things in life. You
can work hard and bear harder misfortunes than
most. It’s too bad people underestimate you
because you’re one tough S.O.B. when need be.
What Canadian Province Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
No one has conclusively proven to me that I did not see Torry Holt in front of the Hyde Park Bank at approximately noon on Wednesday. Also: LeBron James invented dunking last night. Did you see him invent dunking? The Cavs can go 0-82 so long as we have a dunk that unbelieveable in every game. HE LEVITATED. Also, i am going to open the floor to Pete Beatty Needs New Shoes Preliminary Caucuses right now. My new balance 574s were struck down in the prime of their life during the move to logan square. they seemed to be just wet but they developed a smell that never really went away and i put them outside to air out. when i came back for them a week later, they were gone. as such, i’ve been relegated to the puma californias, which i don’t dislike and are comfortable but they’re a little gauche if you ask me, and the instep is brutally ugly. so, with no further palaver:
Picks to click (vote below):
Sen. Nike Dunk Pro Sb (R-Neb)
The Reverend New Balance, D-NY.
Rep. Adidas Poo-Colored Shoe, 19th dist, OH, independent.
things people want to see on this webpage:
18 Nov, Tue, 22:02:20 Google: belle and sebastian piazza new york catcher tab
19 Nov, Wed, 10:25:33 Google: pictures of midpark high school girl soccer
19 Nov, Wed, 10:31:16 Google: How does iodine work?
19 Nov, Wed, 12:08:50 Google: Mexican tradishion
19 Nov, Wed, 17:36:51 Yahoo: grady fucking
19 Nov, Wed, 22:13:24 Yahoo: Grady Sizemore
20 Nov, Thu, 01:53:27 Google: koyaanisquatsi +mpg
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